"Crazy and abusive people shouldn't have children."
I had this said to me yesterday, by someone I live with no less.
"Crazy and abusive people shouldn't have children."
While saying any of this IRL would probably not be useful at all, this is my corner of the internet, and I'm going to use it for whatever the hell I want to, and pray that it's not discovered by the wrong people or at the wrong time.
There are either two ways to parse this sentence. Either the speaker believes that people who are crazy and people who are abusive should not have children, or "crazy and abusive" is lumped together as one qualifier, implying that crazy people are abusive, abusive people are crazy, or both.
Honestly, both interpretations are equally distasteful. I tried explaining this to the speaker, and was told that crazy has been dissociated with actual craziness (i.e. diagnosable mental disorders) enough for it to be unobjectionable, it was just used for hyperbole. While I disagree on the first point, I don't feel like covering that right now. Other people have done so, in other places, probably far more eloquently than I ever could. But even if it was just hyperbole, I, the only "technically" crazy person in the room felt targeted, stigmatised, and was completely unable to do anything about it because anything I said was put off to me "overreacting" and "taking things too personally".
Yes, I may have been overreacting. I'm sure that there are "crazy" people out there who don't mind the other ways in which the word is used. Yes, I did take it personally. Because it was personal. However unintentional, the speaker was making a judgement about me, my ability to parent, and whether or not I would be an abusive parent. And whether they thought so or not, liked it or not, that's how I felt. And that counts for something.
No, I'm not asking for censorship. I'm not saying that no one should ever use the word "crazy" ever. Sometimes I use it. Sometimes I don't mind when other people use it. Context is of the utmost importance. (In a completely non post-modern kind of way.) But my point is, once words leave your mouth, you still have some responsibility over them. How other people react to what you said is not entirely their own deal. What you said actually can directly cause their reaction, despite there being other factors coming into play. This doesn't mean that you shouldn't use words that offend people, but it does mean that you have to be aware of their power, their effect, their potential effects, and make choices accordingly. This means that you have the responsibility of educating yourself about words, their meanings, etymologies, and implications, and you have the responsibility to choose words that do not, through your ignorance, perpetuate or give more power to values you don't support.
You make an assumption here, towards the end, that is never stated, but implied, and it's one I think should be brought to your attention, since I feel it shows a bit more of your cards than you might have wanted.
ReplyDeleteYou say, "However unintentional, the speaker was making a judgement about me, my ability to parent, and whether or not I would be an abusive parent." The important bit is the last clause, the "whether or not I would be an abusive parent." This implies, at least to me, that you chose, deliberately, to parse the phrase in a way as to take maximum offense, and so be offended. This strikes me as the pot calling the kettle black.
You, quite eloquently in fact, discuss at reasonable length the concept of words and their inherent power to control and distort perceptions and thoughts. This is true. Words have a great power, a very dangerous one in fact. What you have done here is discuss that... and completely fail to employ your own advice! You have chosen the most disrespectful, most offensive possible way of understanding the individuals comment, even though you are more aware than most of the power a simple word holds.
I am not defending their comment. It was poorly worded at best and grossly ignorant and hateful at worst, and deserves no further discussion. What I am saying is that when dispensing wisdom (as this certainly qualifies), one must be wary to follow their own advice.
Further, ignoring the fact that society at large has somewhat disassociated the word "crazy" from true mental health disorder (if not entirely, I won't argue that position) strikes me as again, missing your own point. You say words have power, and that's true. It's also true that words change over time. Some people, many people, ascribe no power to words that you personally may find enraging, such as "crazy", "gay" (once a deadly insult, now reclaimed for benign usage), or "nigger" (in the process of being reclaimed as part of black heritage for positive usage). Many words are still undergoing this process. To fly off the handle when someone means to direct insult seems unwise.
You know, this is getting rambley and off-topic, so I may as well call it here. The end point is merely this: don't be so affected by such things. They're minor trespasses and are rarely intended as direct attacks, and then only by someone like-minded to yourself, who would understand the insult and be crafty enough to shape it in such a fashion. 99% of people aren't that person. Don't look for insult where likely only stupidity reigns, that way lies heartburn and wasted time. Better to assume benign meaning and move on to more important, worthy, pursuits.
-A